Well I am finally getting around to writing again. It has taken me several weeks to be able to get up the courage to write about what I wanted to write about back in January. As you may remember from reading my last blog, I had gone in for some “routine” tests and had run into a friend in the waiting room. Well ironically enough, the night after writing that exact blog, I received news from my doctor that they had found an “irregularity/mass” in my ultrasound (following my annual mammogram). As a woman, these are words you always fear, but never really believe you will hear, until you actually hear them. Since my Dad’s death, I have had regular mammograms starting in my mid 30s due to strong family history and genetics. And as the years have passed, I have come to think of these as “routine tests” and do not get as anxious as I used to every time I would have them done. In fact this time, I remember sitting in the pre-screening room, and seeing an older woman there and she was clearly worried. She started talking to me saying they “saw” something on her mammogram and she was there for an ultrasound. I assured her saying that I have had irregularities in the past and the ultrasound usually rules out any irregularities. She seemed relieved, and I felt like an old pro and was glad I could provide some comfort to this woman.
I was so calm. I saw my friend in the waiting room, this woman in the pre-screening room and was thinking about them and how scary it must be for them…..never thinking it could be me…..This time I was confident I was fine….I have been more active this year, lost weight, and felt healthy.
But when the call came the next night, and it was the ultrasound that was irregular (not the mammogram), I just knew this was different than previous scans. Of course I received the message from my doctor after hours… so I called one of my girlfriends who is a breast cancer survivor to ask her what she thought. She confirmed my fear, “they are going to want to do a biopsy” she said… my heart sank… my eyes began to tear up….. not so much about the possibility of cancer, whatever it was, I would deal with it (I had no choice), but more for the fact that I finally felt in a great place in my life this past year and I did not want this “great time” to end yet.
On the rest of the drive home, my head began to spin, and selfish thoughts began to emerge… ” how is this possible? I had been so active and healthy, traveling, feeling great, dating, meeting new friends, I had a trip to Dominican Republic planned … I hope I can still go?.. what about that great guy I just met last week?” It is like all the good things in your life come to an abrupt stop in your head…. like time stands still… because you don’t know if you should keep planning or hold off… so I decided to keep on planning…. because no matter what, you can’t stop living… and so I kept driving to tennis clinic that night, with puffy eyes and all, and played some of the best tennis I had in a while, just to “prove” I was strong and healthy!
The next 10 days, until the biopsy could be scheduled was a surreal time. I continued to exercise, the weather was unusually warm for January and I went out paddling on the water a few times that week……. During those days, exercise was my saving grace. But more than that, my family and the few friends I told- were amazing. I have mentioned many times that I usually am great at being single, until the tough stuff in life occurs. Well this was one of those times. I was an emotional “Yo-Yo”. There were days in my head that I was absolutely convinced I did NOT have cancer and there were those days that I was absolutely convinced I DID have cancer. And I think that is your brain’s way of preparing you for either scenario. It’s like you get all caught up in the facts of the situation and forget to just “feel”… all this planning, appointments and research, types of medical opinions and options-it is just all so hard to process, you “want” to try to be calm, yet inside you are everything but calm… Honestly, it wasn’t until a friend of mine came up to visit, and he walked in the door and hugged me, that I realized no one had just hugged me…and I just fell to pieces….. It’s easy to get caught up in the details, but sometimes you just have to ‘feel it’ and have a good cry…And sometimes it takes a hug from a strong man to make you realize this….
The biopsy was a success and the tumor was small enough that it was fully removed during the procedure. My doctor said he would call between 3-4 PM the next day. I worked from home that day in order to be home when the news came. My mother, “spontaneously” showed up at 2:15 that day to “just hang out”… I knew she just didn’t want me to be alone if the news was bad… we sat on the couch watching TV, making idle conversation, until the phone finally rang at 3:40. I took a deep breath when I saw the doctors number and said to my mom, “here we go”. The first thing my doctor said was, “I am calling with good news”, as I repeated the words “Really, Good News?” it was at that moment my mother started to cry and took a deep breath… I knew then, that even though she had been a rock for me telling me not to worry, she had been been worrying enough for the both of us…. My tumor was a benign tumor, which would require 6 month follow up for any changes, and the doctor said “take it easy and heal”.
The relief I felt was tangible and yet, I was very stoic [for me]. It was like I had been through an emotional roller coaster for almost 2 weeks and just did not know how to react. I thought of my friend and what she must have felt only two years before, hearing the exact opposite of what I heard and felt a bit guilty and at the same time so lucky. I felt that I had dodged a temporary bullet, and it made me even more convinced that I have to continue to keep up my healthy lifestyle and reinforced the exact thing I had been striving for these past 18 months since turning 40… to just embrace the life and the people around you for as long as you can, just because you can!!!!!
